Red Tears

I suddenly remembered this book i read about three years ago. - above title.
I remembered feeling for the character and being apalled yet strangely intrigued by her self-harm actions when she started feeling terrible pressure.
She was strong and vulnerable at the same time.
The book tells about how the teenage girl tried her best in maintaining to be good at the things she was good at but later fell due to pressure. the pressure came from parents and schoolmates.
She later turned into a girl so different than who she was before.
Recommending and also searching ! :D


Official announcement ;

I no longer own a phone, so further contact will be a little difficult.
I would also deactivate my fb the next time i go online.
I would also ceased blogging.

Well, life sucks when pressure exists.


A penny for you thoughts

i've always wondered why we cry when we feel hurt.
coz it hurts when i cry.

i want to feel nothing and numb please. :(

sorry, this is me, being depressed.

to you ; i needed you just now. :(

why don't you kill me already.

no one has that much patience.
i wish i was numb.
that would mean no anger, and with no anger there shall be no pain, and with no pain, then hurt would not happen.

to be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark.

Behind the scenes.

Outrageous.
How can one not feel crushed after that?
How can one's spirit not feel terribly low?
We tried to stay calm as we slowly involuntarily get involved in this cruel world where dirty politics and bribery rules majestically in a bad way.
I couldn't cry for i felt numb.

We really did our best. Every single one of them did.
I am a total newbie in this crowd, but i have gotten to love and adore them for the way they love and adore each other. Drama is common but so is forgiveness. Music is what unites this crowd as well as love and respect.
Anda semua rock dan best. 
Jangan moral down.
 

SSMB IS the very BEST. 

- Retiring from the crowd, happy but sad, laughing but at the same time grieving. :')

My wish

To have more time.

Addmaths folio - uncomplete
Piano exam - totally not ready - mmg mati ahh klu fail. 500 + flew out the window. -_-"
IU Day - gawd, i am on tcer wan's wanted list. x)

Studies - like hell.

Facebook and wuteva other things that distract me, you are going doowwnnn x)




Being me is crappy, but i love all the moments. - well, not all ;)

Talk to yourself, talk to the tears.

Remind me again why i hate you.
I had went through these old photographs.
I couldn't help feeling sad and wee bit nostalgia when i saw them.
I could not believe how everything turned out this way.
How exciting and comforting those days were. How i hate seeing how close we were.
How painful it feels that all those almost seemed like a lie, a tale told in a book that is now slowly dressed with layers of dust.
I erased the ones i see, but i could not rid of the ones that are vague in memoirs right now.
Only time works as the antidote, or poison for what matters.

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.

Remind me again why i don't like you anymore.
I don't like where i am now.
I don't like feeling that rush of adored old times again.
I don't want to smile when i read a text by you that cracks me up, or when you remember what i told you last time.
I don't like that feeling, that feeling where your chest suddenly feels terribly empty and aches when you appeared because i remembered how you disappeared before.
Why now?
Why when i am at my most vulnerable?
Everything is called were and was for a reason.
I don't like you anymore. So don't remind me why i did.

I could go back to every laugh, but i don't wanna go there anymore.

Remind me again why i like you.
I like that sometimes when i think of you, you were already thinking of me.
I like that you put up with me not putting you first.
I like that you stand my flaws and your patience at not hearing what you hoped i would say.
I like that you actually made me like you, when before this i didn't.
But really, is it enough?

You make it hard to see where i belong to

title from a line in - come in with the rain ; taylor swift

temperament

I wish i could drive. Doesnt matter if i have a license or not. Would make my life a lot better.
And i could avoid being late for band - at least no running was involved x)
I was kinda absent throughout band practice, my mind wandering every minute or so.
I tend to do that when i just had a rough time.
You can say that it's a way of trying to hold myself together.
Of the event this morning, i have to admit it affected me the whole day, that is until i got home and got a nice nap.

So it's just me and Irra now.
It's a drag being in this empty house. And when i'm bored, I'll open the damn refrigerator every 30 minutes or so, hence the weight gain.
A good thing band is a very efficient workout.


I really have got to get my lazy ass to work. I havent done the acceptable amount of homework i received.
And by acceptable i mean little. ;D
Bless the people who have tons of homework and are finishing them.
And by people, i mean my sister, Irra Hazirah.

Anyhow, i'm catching Glee at nine.
So let's grab that BM essay book shall we?


Side orders : Bored without you. x)
sheeshh, even now i'm thinking of food?

Like it's all we have to hold on to.

I'm feeling a little depressed today.
Depression is something hard to avoid if you're called a teenager okaayy..

So,
here's the thing.
it's the freaking holidays, and i freaking didnt feel it, but this is freaking better than school days again.
I dread the day school opens again. I'm not ready, but i know i have to be.
It's already time for the sprint - the full all out sprint begins at 100 days to go - aaa cuakk!!


Okay so today band was,, umm depressing as well? I have to say everyone seems to have the blues today and by that i mean depressed as well. *haha! ter-ingat petang td.

Everyone wasnt the usual hyper oy oy and whatnot.
So, that adds to my cause of depression list.

Next,
I believe my phone will be a little silent for 4 days.
Heheh, enjoy the wilderness you. Be safe, Take care, Watch your step, whatever etc etc.
You know,
She hates that she's missing you already cause this is soo not her.
What's wrong with you girl? Get a grip ! Slap yourself !

I swear, her heart is getting softer now.
That's not a good thing. Right?

 I'm no big fan of the singers, but the song is okay i guess - We'll Be A Dream : Demi Lovato ft. We The Kings.

 

When the lights go out

We'll be safe and sound

We'll take control of the world

Like it's all we have to hold on to

And we'll be a dream

hye, i'm chucky. wanna play?

kayy just remembering the way that doll said that gives me the creeps.
i didnt remember the story well and was curious to watch it just now when it was shown on cinemax.
and then i remembered why in the world i was so damn scared of dolls last time.
why wont that freaking doll just die ?!
i mean the head went off, a leg and an arm was blasted away !
and it still moves??!
i pray to not get nightmares tonight.
and my heart's practically beating as fast as it was when the movie showed the first time that doll moved.
gawd,
I HATE DOLLS because i'm SCARED of them.
particularly dolls like that chucky - big , human size, fake hair, but eyes that look too real or worst, moves. x(

i really really am scared of them you can even call it some kind of phobia.
i dont want to watch that again.

note to self : dont let your curiosity take over you.

you are 16 going on 17 ;)

haa, what else, wish la wish la ! heheheh :D

yes this old gal is growing older and older and officially seventeen today.
i am wishing all 11th June celebrators a very Happy Birthday !!

today was quite empty actually, we just went out to buy a cake, i went to tuition - tbe2 rajenn ,
home; locked myself in the room and on9 !

thanks to all who remembered and wished me ! iloveyou people so damn much ! <3 <3

at 12 oclock midnight was the best i guess.
syggggg korg3 yg wish time tuh. ishk, mmg org yg slalu on9 late at night aa tuhh.

haa, and you who got my phone engaged for 30mins until 12, thanks link <3 x) 

aziemaa tersyg lakk,,

tenx 4 the 17 texts !! ifa sygg kamoo forever, tk kesah dpt kude ke takk ;D :D

wanietot chumell,, thanks sygg, wish you were near ;( rinduu!

the day has not ended yet, but i'm content with what i have.
but,,
NAK PREZZIE !! <3 <3
hahaa~

i'm too full of perkieness today, plz forgive moi ;)

Neutron Star Collision

In brackets - Love is Forever by MUSE !
This song would be one of the soundtracks for Twilight : Eclipse - Cant wait for this to come ! ;)

So i was just thinking about the sudden strike of fear i had yesterday when i thought of looking up the lyrics for this song.
It's interesting how this event went - but really? now i'm looking at signs? pathetic, girl. x)

I was searching you were on a mission

Then our hearts combined like a neutron star collision

I have nothing left to lose

You took your time to choose

Then we told each other with no trace of fear that

Our love would be forever

And if we die, we die together

Well i, i said never

Cause our love would be forever

Now i've got nothing left to lose

You take your side to choose

I can tell you now without a trace of fear

That my love will be forever

And we'll die, we'll die together

Will i, i will never

Cause our love will be forever

Note : That's not the complete lyrics, just the few lines where i'm trying to magnify my point.

I ask myself, still scared?
Yes, very.

holding hands will fall.

another similar day as the day before, and before that and before that.
can my holidays be anymore boring? i havent even started all the important things which meant only this - homework and STUDY !
so far my days were devided to these ;
1. Band
2. Piano
3. Sleep
4. Lying on the bed reading or texting or just waiting for drowsiness to overcome me.

Really, i am soo in need of a self wake up call - though that would mean a really bad event. x_x




I am positive there is just something in the past that you'd rather not go through again.
Let alone let it appear in your life again.
In my case, well, at first i thought i would feel nothing.
But then, later i felt like i had this old wound in my heart suddenly feeling sore again.
I was like, huh, never thought i was hurt that much. i guess i really did like you.
And people wonder why is it hard for a person to fall for someone completely again.
The danger of getting hurt again? Well that's just something i'd rather not risk.

A penny for your thoughts?

I'm scared. I dont know why.
I feel shaken to the core. I don't know why.
I need you, I still dont know why. or who for that matter. :(

i'm surrounded by liars everywhere i turn

i'm surrounded by impostors everywhere i turn

i'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere i turn

i'm the only one who's noticed

i can't be the only who's learned

i don't wanna be anything other than what i've been trying to be lately

all i have to do is think of me and have peace of mind

i'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what i gotta do

or who i'm supposed to be

i don't wanna be anything other than me.

Strength.

I am totally beat today.
My energy level is decreasing i tell you, and believe me, if i sleep early before my supposed sleeping time, i'll get overslept, and that would lead to a day-long headache.
So i'd rather be tired then suffer pain. -_-"


Today, we received grave news.
I may not be close to this friend, but no normal person wouldnt feel heartthrobbing sorrow when they hear of a child losing their mother.
Sedekahkanlah surah Al-fatihah kepada ibu dayah, semoga rohnya dicucuri Rahmat Allah SWT.
Let's pray for her family and herself to receive unshakable strength, patience and love.


Death is never an easy thing to accept, but holding hands through it, make it close to bearable.
 

6th June

Yes yes, i know, im a lil late. ;D
but still, mcm budak tuh bce ponn. 
haa, what's 0606?
it's the most-devilish-girl-i-love-in-my-life's birthday , Irra Hazirah Rossid !
hee, we had our terrible quarrels, bad moods, pillow fights, backkicks and slaps,
but at last, we are connected by blood. so i cant get rid of you no matter what XD
dear irra,
even if you cant fit into the shirt i bought you - GEMOKK - it can be your pjs, be happy !

luv ya, weirdo :)

side odders :

sorry, been a busy day dearest.

hope you dont get tired of waiting for me :(

adore youu <3

Adventure is out there !

I just watched UP !
Im gonna be 17 but i love cartoons so wutevs to people thinking cartoons are bogus around this age.
just because you're old, doesnt mean you cant watch cartoons.
it's always nice to watch cartoons like up, sweet, romantic, sad, funny !

I laughed unstoppably during that movie and teared up at the sad scenes.

moral of the cartoon - if you ever get a guy like mr sam frederickson, dont let him go ! ;D <3

so it's the holidays now though it doesnt feel like it to me.

i feel awfully claustrophobic, badly in need of a time out from kaytee.

i dont have much to complain, i love being around friends, the hillarious stuff we get into and all.

but i get bored when there's abs nil to do.

we had to cancel our plans to go to the funfair tonight due to lack of members of the gang.

so that's how i came to watch UP. ;)

Abah : Not going?

Me : Nope. No one can go.

Abah : Want to go?

Me : Whoaa ! Abah want to go?

Abah sengehh

Irra : Cannot ! I want to watch UP !

ngeh3..

so up we did.

adek ally iskandar :D

quick entry;

before terlupe nak tulis,
smlm, si azie nge ifa neh gy la kat pondok teratai, konon nk jupe dak2 wakil yg msok IU Day nnti.
skli sorg pon tak dtg. ehh lupe, ade, JIJI ! ;)
kes pengawas tak buat pengumuman punye pasal laa..
free jepp org bengang2 tym buat est2, hahahh, maaflah ekh sespe yg kne cursed abes2n tym ambe duk mengelamun mase itamkan jawapan tuh..x)
ehh balek cter tadi,
jupe la adek ally iskandar, pendek, tp ensem - aishh, ape start menggataii nehh. tsk3
pstu duk mood gle kowt,
gy la conteng2 kat papan puteh 5B tuh, skli lupe sal tuh,
tcher Ruzi Bio tuh masok, bce bnde alah tu.
dye komen pe bnde ntah,
x embarassed pon, x merah pon muke.
nasib segelintir saje taw,
dan tak gtaw tcher.
EH SYG KORG ! ;D


haa, ehh ! dah lambat, gy practice band! - ponteng kelas pok jakk!
bye darls !

And I wanna fall in love with you again

Yeahh ! I still have one more paper to go which requires nil studying ! - i think.
It kinda sucks having one more paper, and having extra classes, and having to stay back at school until 6 when what i need badly is to snuggle up on the sofa in front of the tv drinking whatever refreshing beverage watching Reversal of Fate after school.
Oh well, that's my life people.
Today had not been the best day for me.
I woke up with a stabbing pain on the side of my neck.
Ever experienced that? Uncomfortable eyh?
Anyways, i suffered from it the whole day - until now ! :( totally hating it.
Then, there was the whole do nothing day, slept in the surau, feeling like crap and band.
Being home at last felt so amazing, words cannot describe it - hah ! exaggerating ! x)

It's funny how I am restless when not hearing from you,

but speechless when i do.

What's going on really?

Guess that's why Jason Castro's Let's Just Fall In Love Again is currently my fave. hee~

I am craving to go out, anywhere is fine. I just wanna hang out.

But clearly, everything is not on my side right now.

So, i just have to be really really patient.

Well that's enough scribbling for today,

Rachel : I knew you'll break my heart.

Jesse : That's the thing about reputations, people always think that i'm the one breaking hearts. But the thing is Rachel, you broke mine first.