Thursday, April 26, 2012

I Suck At Goodbyes

Today, I woke up with a feeling of blissfulness.
I yawned, and stretched.
And checked my phone.
I don't have class, right ?
Imagined my timetable in my head.
Arab... Cancelled.
I think I have Legal System on Thursdays.. Yeap that's cancelled too. Ahhhh :D
Another stretch.
Something bugging my mind.
I have Social Studies ! At 10 ! Right ??
Texted a friend, she didnt answered.
BBMed another friend.
Brushed my teeth, washed my face.
He didnt aswer -_-
WhatsApp another friend,
Thinking Thank God for technology 'coz my creds like 20cents, and most of the girls use Celcom -_-
'Social Studies ade tak ?"
Grabbed my towel and sprinted.

10.05, plus minus.
Reached blockE.
And found that many have not arrived. And Madam, nowhere in sight.

And as the class was coming to an end,
With a pang,
I realized that this was, our, last, law, class, in, CFS.
Awwww , that's a sad fact. :(

We took pictures.
And I looked around the classroom.
I never had expected feeling this nostalgic.
I never thought that this was actually really hard.
I knew that goodbyes, are never really my forte.
I've always hated them.
I hate having to part.
With anyone.
I guess.. I just have a habit, of holding on to people, things, memories.
Even if I tried being detached.

So as much as this place has been, well, suckish,
I realized,
How much I grew up, in these few months here.
It's not the place.
But still.
What else can I hold on to ?

This is my last days in CFS IIUM Petaling Jaya.
The big boys, await.
In September.

Ya Allah,
Give me the strength, and calm, to go through my Finals.
As scary as moving on is,
Turning back
Is scarier.

Goodbye. :)

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I Take Them Back.

I'm sorry I'm so darn difficult.
I'm sorry I gave you grief for even the little things.
I'm sorry I couldn't be strong enough for you.

If I could, I'd take them back. You know. The words my lips uttered at my moment of doubt. And fear.
I wish you could see me the way I see me. A girl. Insecure. Broken. Weak.
Your confidence in me is overwhelming, intimidating even.
And I wonder if I'll ever have that much of confidence in you.

I'm sorry I'm always waiting for the moment you say goodbye.
Thing is,
My past has paved in my mind,
That goodbye's the only thing I deserve.

I don't deserve you.
But I want you by my side.
It's a selfish thing to want you.
When I know that you deserve better.
But you know that I'm selfish, right ?
So please, let me want to have you in my life.
Don't say goodbye.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

If You Can't Fight, Survive.

I'm bored.
And not really in the mood to study.
When i should be.

My aim now is to prove to her that i can do this. Even with the life i'm living.
I can do this, even when she says i won't be able to.
I can do this, with him supporting me.

But I feel like falling apart at the moment.
The fear, the uncertainty.

What if i'm not strong enough to fight ?
What if i don't have the strength to hold on ?

Sometimes, I say.
I can only rely on me, not anyone else as my backbone.
In truth, that's what my world is like.
I can only really, depend on myself.
And perhaps,
Not get hurt.
Not get frustrated.
Not disappoint myself.

But in the end.
I need others, them, you, to breathe.

So i take a deep breath now. And survive.

Monday, April 2, 2012

And You See Me Waiting For You On The Corner of The Street

Dear you,
I get scared when I think about the future.
Because what you want, I couldn't help but want it too
But at the same time, I cannot let go of my own plans.
I want you still in my future.
But I might lose my grip on you while walking down that pavement.
I might lose my strength to keep hoping for you.
I might push you away, because I might convince myself someday that that's the only way.
I might stop believing that you would ever wait for me.
Because, I'm not worth the wait.

Dear you,
How is it that you have so much confidence in the future ?
In me ?
When by day, I keep making sentences in my head on how to break this to you.
How to will you to see it from my view.
How to tell you, that you should stop, just stop making me fall for you so hard.
Stop making me get so used to having you be there for me.

Dear you,
I never planned on falling this hard for you.
But now, I catch glimpses of a future built with you.
But glimpses of a future I've worked for are just as clear.

Dear you,
Maybe it's time we step back into reality.
Maybe it's time for me to confront those voices in my head.
Maybe, it's time to let you go.