It Wears Me Out

Please dont remind me.

I mess up a lot.

I dont believe in a lot of things. Paranoid, perhaps.

Sometimes i feel like i'm invisible.
But when i'm in someone's attention, i want them to not see me. Because they can't, really.

I'm tired.
I'm wary.

I'm in the wrong place.
But, what's the right place ?

I can take on only so much hurt.
But I can't bear the pain of losing. .

I have a mask on.
But who doesn't ?

I'm drowning, falling, waiting.

Waiting ?
For what ?

I don't know.
I really don't.

To Not Let Go

I love giving titles to what i write. It gives me pleasure, though sometimes you could see that it has no connection whatsoever to what i wrote. But here's a secret. it has a connection, you just couldnt see it like i do ;) 
But tonight, maybe due to my feeling so solemn right now, i cant find the right one to give before i started writing whatever words that go through my silly little mind.


So here goes.

That day,
it was.. i dont know how to put it to words.
Painful ?
Heartbreaking ?
Wonderful ?
Lovely ?

It was everything i suppose.
You cant feel happy if you dont know what sad is.
You cant understand how wonderful a smile is if you dont know how terrible you feel when you cry.
You cant feel love, if you cant feel pain.


Yesterday shook me, scarred me, frightened me.
I wanted you to hurt like i hurt.
I wanted you to cry like i cried.
I wanted you to be mad like i was too.
My heart broke.
Perhaps because i had trusted that you could never hurt me that way.
So perhaps that's why.
Like something out of a book right ?
Everyone says, life isnt a storybook or a movie.
If it is as such, then those creators not only created a whole new world, but created feelings too ?
So, no. Such feelings exist.


I dont know about you.
But i love you. So much, it hurts.

We've both said words that cut us up.
But we've both tried words that could heal each other too.
It feels weird, for me.
That for you, i wanted this to go away.

When you love someone so much, no matter what is thrown at you, bury you, you'll claw your way out.
To make it work.
To not fall apart.
To still be able to be with each other.
To not let go of you.


So i guess i've thought of a title after all, right ?

Had I Known.

I've expected myself to crumple like this.
To hurt so badly, that feeling anything else, is out of the question.
That cut,
it's so deep, almost, impossible to heal.

And had i known,
I would have screamed, yelled, cursed myself, when i was falling for you, hard.
I would have looked away whenever i see you smile, because i fell for that first.
I would have said to you, you lie.

Then again, maybe you didnt.
Maybe you meant every word, but how could both of us know,
what fate has lying for us.
How could both of us know, that you could change.
Or maybe, that i could change ?

So i suppose, thanks, for letting me love you.

I am now,
Going to save, whatever is left of my dignity.

If You Ever Come Back - The Script

If you're standing with your suitcase
But you can't step on the train
Everything's the way that you left it I still haven't slept yet

And if you're covering your face now
But you just can't hide the pain
Still setting two plates on the counter but eating without ya

If the truth is you're a liar
When you say that you're okay
I'm sleeping on your side of the bed going out of my head now

And if you're out there trying to move on
But something pulls you back again
I'm sitting here trying to persuade you like you're in the same room

And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder
And I wish you could still give me a hard time
And I wish I could still wish it was over
But even if wishing is a waste of time
Even if I never cross your mind

I'll leave the door on the latch
If you ever come back, if you ever come back
There'll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat
If you ever come back
There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on
And it will be just like you were never gone
There'll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat
If you ever come back, if you ever come back now
Oh if you ever come back, if you ever come back

Now they say I'm wasting my time
Cause you're never coming home
But they used to say the world was flat but how wrong was that now

And by leaving my door open
I'm risking everything I own
There's nothing I can lose in the break in that you haven't taken

And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder
And I wish you could still give me a hard time
And I wish I could still wish it was over
But even if wishing is a waste of time
Even if I never cross your mind

I'll leave the door on the latch
If you ever come back, if you ever come back
There'll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat
If you ever come back
There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on
And it will be just like you were never gone
There'll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat
If you ever come back, if you ever come back now
Oh if you ever come back, if you ever come back

If it's the fighting you remember or the little things you miss
I know you're out there somewhere, so just remember this
If it's the fighting you remember or the little things you miss
Oh just remember this, oh just remember this

I'll leave the door on the latch
If you ever come back, if you ever come back
There'll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat
If you ever come back
There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on
And it will be just like you were never gone
There'll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat
If you ever come back, if you ever come back now
Oh if you ever come back, if you ever come back now

And it will be just like you were never gone
And it will be just like you were never gone
And it will be just like you were never gone
If you ever come back, if you ever come back now

20th October

Emm. I'm not good at this. I'm not good at lowering my guard down, and let you know just how much you mean to me. How excited and happy i am with you. ;) Because believe me, it's a hell a lot more than i let you know.
But, i'd just hurt if you dont believe i love you.
So here goes, - you came up with this. apelah awk ni :)

Happy 1 Year :)

you're my hero,
my prince,
my superman,
my cookiemonster :)
you're my favourite person. 
you're mine ;) 
and i wish, hope, pray that this is the first of many more years.

iloveyouwanmohdhaziq :)

Dinosawrrr

I am in serious need of a new phone. Mine keeps failing me.
It suddenly go blank, and you cant get it to work. I had to take the battery out and switch it on again. And the worse part ? It still go hang, and i have to wait like, an hour for it to work again. - And throughout the waiting, it works, like it alerts me with messages, or when someone calls. but i'll be like hitting the buttons repeatedly to read, or answer the call, AND NOTHING HAPPENS. -___-

So yeah, I need a new phone. Time to save up. --- ugh. seriously.

Soo, i havent exactly wrote - typed - anything worth reading for a while. then again, i never do. HA HA.
See, i've been home for nearly a month now.
And dont get me wrong, i love home. My room, my bed, my privacy, my freedom, my nothing-to-study, my huggy toys and pillows that surround me when i sleep (i feel safe with all these around me. that's why i dont sleep so nice and snug at college).
But you see, home is home. It's like, the after-SPM all over again.
My parents nagging at me for being asleep half a day, and me wanting to go out with my friends a lot, but they wont let me.
Me online 24/7.
Me getting close to being suicidal due to boredom.
Haha.
So what keeps me happy ?
Getting to be online. Munching in front of the TV with only my shorts and sleeveless tee on (you cant dress like this at UIA. even if you're in your room. but i wear shorts anyway. F them rules !) . Drive the car. Meet my friends. Meet you :)
But see, it's bloody same schedule everyday. T.T
I'm always waiting for something to happen. Someone to ask me out, - if i'm allowed to go out that is -__-

So what's a girl like me get to do around here ? Ideas ? Yeahh, F this.

It's Still My Kampung :)

abah just got home few hours ago.
he confirmed my fears.
by december, this home of mine, for nearly nine years, will have to be cleared.
goodbye house, iloveyou. you've seen my falls, my tears, my laughs, my leaps.
you've seen me grow, from an immature little girl, to the person who i am, no longer always needing the safety and comfort from you.
i remember when your narrow corridors make me suffocate,
i had loved lying down in the middle of you.
now we're going to leave you.
bye bye house.

it's not really goodbye terengganu :) ill still be around next year.
but you'll no longer be my official home. :(
ill miss the beach, the easy roads, the shortcuts i know like the back of my hand.

haha. imma saying goodbye to everything :')

Hurdles.

distance makes the heart grows fonder ?
i dont know.
it kinda kills.
we're struggling, but we survived.
but how long ?
it's gonna be tougher now.
it's time for me to start inching back to my comfort zone, safe zone.
and hope that whatever happens between us,
doesnt crush me til i can hardly piece myself back.

Heart Vacancy - The Wanted

I hear your heart, cry for love.
But you won’t let me make it right.
You were hurt, but I decided,
That you were worth the fight
Every night, you lock up.
You won’t let me come inside.
But the look, in your eyes.
Says that I could turn the tide.

In your heart, in your heart, in your heart.
I can tell you can fit one more.
In your heart, in your heart, in your heart.
I don’t care who was there before.

I, hear your heart cry for love,
Then you act like there’s no room,
Room for me, or anyone.
Don’t disturb is all I see.
Close the door, turn the key.
On everything that we could be.
If loneliness would move out,
I’d fill the vacancy.
In your heart, in your heart, in your heart,
In your heart, in your heart, in your heart.

This ain’t the Heartbreak Hotel,
Even though I know it well.
Those no shows, they sure tell,
In the way you hold yourself.

Don’t you fret, should you get,
Another cancellation.
Give me a chance I’d make a,
Permanent reservation.
In your heart, in your heart, in your heart,
I can tell you can fit one more.
Open up make a brand new start,
I don’t care who’s stayed before.

I hear your heart call for love,
Then you act like there’s no room.
Room for me, or anyone,
“Don’t disturb” is all I see.
Close the door, turn the key,
On everything that we could be.
If loneliness would move out,
I’d fill the vacancy.
In your heart, in your heart, in your heart,
In your heart, in your heart, in your heart.

When I, talk to you, on the phone,
Listen close.

I hear your heart call for love,
Then you act like there’s no room.
Room for me, or anyone,
“Don’t disturb” is all I see.
Close the door, turn the key,
On everything that we could be.
If loneliness would move out,
I’d fill the vacancy.
In your heart, in your heart, in your heart,
In your heart, in your heart, in your heart.

Prove You Wrong - He Is We

You’re the boy with a real nice smile,
But a broken heart inside.
Give it to a girl, gave it to a girl,
And I think she lost her mind.

Are you giving up and done?
Are you through with all this?
Are you tired of the pain?
Torn to pieces.

Can you let me try?
Tell me it’s all right,
Just for one night.
Show you how to feel like,
What it feels like.
To be hugged, to be kissed.
Yes I can be that part of you.
I’ll try my best.

I’m the girl, I can make you smile,
And I promise to be true.
Give it all,
Give until there’s nothing left to lose.
Don’t say you’re giving up and done,
That you’re through with all this.
Yeah you’re tired of the pain,
Torn to pieces.

Can you let me try?
Tell me it’s all right,
Just for one night.
Show you how to feel like,
What it feels like.
To be hugged, to be kissed.
Be thought of and to be missed.
I can be that part of you,
Let me be that part of you.

I see that you’re breaking,
Your heart is breaking.
Here’s my hand if you’ll take it,
We can make it out,
Of all this mess.
No more stress.
I can be that part of you
I’ll try my best.

Give me your heart,
I don’t want a piece or a part,
I want it all.
I want you to fall,
Just a little bit.

Take that leap of faith,
If you want to,
Don’t let that broken heart haunt you.

Can you let me try?
Tell me it’s all right.
Just for one night,
Show you how to feel like.
What it feels like,
To be hugged, to be kissed.
Be thought of and to be missed.
I can be that part of you,
Let me be that part of you.

I see that you’re breaking,
Your heart is breaking.
Here’s my hand if you’ll take it,
We can make it out,
Of all this mess.
No more stress.
I can be that part of you,
I’ll try my best.

Oh-Oh.
Try my best.
(We can make it out of this mess,
No more stress.)
I can be that part of you,
I’ll try my best.

you, ill try my best :)

I'm Your Weird Bumbumm

i know with every ounce of feeling in myself,
that if i lose him,
i'd be so broken, it's almost impossible to piece myself together again.

i've given you my heart.
it was not easy.
i've never done that before, so willingly entrust my heart, to someone.
it's been jabbed at, clawed at, hit, so it cracked.
but in your hands now,
you could break it, smash it into little pieces til i can hardly breath.

but, i'm freeing myself of this. - so ive told myself so many times.

iloveyou, wanmohdhaziq.

Vacant Heart

i'm sorry, you.
it's not that easy you know, to do what you ask of me.
i was always doing what i want, friends with who i want.

i knew him before you matter.
he was my bestfriend.
it's not easy,
to just delete him from my life.

but you, matter the most.
i'm trying, i'm trying real hard to cope.
because, at the end of the day,
it's only you i think about.
you matter the most.
no matter what.

End of Finals

Ganu,
i'm coming home.
Did you miss me like i missed you ?

;)

Emm.
I was killing time, reading all my past posts.
It's funny. Those posts.
I was kinda liking some other person. But i really didnt. Remember how people say, a girl and a guy can't be best friends ? Someone must feel something for the other ?
So it's pretty much like that.
But i'm glad whatever happened, happened.
While i was realizing i never felt the same way about him like he did about me, i fell in love with you. :)

Think, love.

We all want someone to talk with

We all want someone to say we're beautiful

We all want someone to laugh with

We all want someone to wipe our tears

We all want someone to fall in love with

We all want someone to love us back

We all want Someone.

.