She who dares to stand where I stood.

"Where I Stood"

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Honestly

Maybe we're that Robin and Barney relationship.
To be in love with each other.
To feel like we belong.
But at the end of the day.
We just don't work.
It was no one's fault.
Neither loved more or less. Neither stopped loving, but it just, ended.
Sometimes, you just fall in love. And the other person loved you back.
And it wasn't meant to be.
And,
Well. I have to accept that.

I drew a line for you.

Loved.
Most people would see this word and think of how lucky this person was.
She. Or he. Was loved.
But I. I see a past tense.
A person who once, loved. A simple act. But it was in the past. Does that mean, she does not love anymore?
I asked myself. Is it possible? To have loved, and then to never again feel it?
Maybe because the heart grew tired.
Or it got too broken to feel anything.
But what if.
It was because it was a one time thing, and that heart couldn't take that big of a feeling.
It couldn't handle loving another heart, so it just stopped.
And it couldn't find another space, another way, another attempt, at loving, again.
So,
That heart, thus then describe the person.
Loved.

Just, please don't say you love me, cause I might not say it back.

I'm not supposed to miss you.
I'm not supposed to feel like I'm walking around with half of me gone.
I'm not supposed to hope for a word from you.
And I'm not supposed to realize that my heart is still forever, with you.

The architect tendency in all of us.

We all have these scenarios we've made up in our heads. Conversations with some person that we had drawn like an architect. It never usually goes to plan. It rarely ever does.

I still wish.
You'd appear.
You'd say, "Are you done?"
Done with freaking out about things you can't control? With all your tantrums, the bad things you allow seep into your mind?
Are you done with running away? With trying to make yourself numb so you won't feel a thing? Are you done with being so scared of feeling more than you allow yourself to? With ripping your heart out?
Are you done trying to be alone? When you always need someone? Are you done acting strong? Though it's wearing you out?
Are you done hurting me? Like I've hurt you?

Are you done?
Will you just come back to me now?

A relapse

I miss you.
When I know I shouldn't.
It takes everything in me not to start, not to look for you.
I wish you'd say something. Just anything. Just one word.
But I also hope you won't.
Because that would bring us right back to where we started. Wouldn't it?
I used to believe I belong to you.
Then I found out, I can never, belong.
But I wish.
Oh how I wish.

To Goodbyes.

"I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket, but I've got to get a move on with my life."

There are still so many many things I want to say to you. So many unsaid words, apologies, thank yous..
I don't regret knowing you.
I could never.
My heart hurts when I say I hate you.
And I'm walking with half of me gone.
But it's better gone. I understand that.
Relationships don't work that way. You know, the you hurt me, I hurt you back.
It's destructive. We're destructive.
But it's taken me this long to finally step away.
But I haven't let go of you. I should. But I couldn't. I wish it's easy, but it's not. I'm trying.
I've made you let go, that's progress..
A part of me hopes for you. But I hate hope. And you know that. So that hope will fade.
Thank you, for being the first person who could stand my irrational moments, my attitude, my imperfections.
Thank you, for being the first person who taught me how to love, how to trust.
But I'm sorry. I can't love. I can't trust. The fears are always stronger.
I'm sorry that I let you in.
I'm sorry that I let you think that you could save me.
I'm sorry for all the harsh words.
I wish you knew. When I broke your heart, I broke mine too.
I hope you know.
I really did love you. I don't deserve to. But I did.
I wish you the best. I know I'll hate it, being selfish, when I see you finally happy, but you deserve it.

Goodbye too, my everything.

All Over Again.

Ive said it so many times.
Too many times to count.
Too many.
Too hurt. Too lost. Too angry.

I was about to patch myself. About to be fixed.
But then you went and betrayed me.
Don't lie to a girl.
She knows when there's something you hide.

And this time.
This time.
I chased you away.
And I was the one who ended up crushed on the floor. Barely breathing.
Barely living.
Barely existing.

And this time.
I regretted the first Hello. The first conversation. The first Iloveyou.
This time.
I hate you.
I hate you?

This time.
I could barely keep myself together.
How difficult it was to act okay.
How to face the world?
But I know I can. I know.
I'm prepared for that.
It's when I'm left alone.
That's my fear.

This time. I don't want you back. I think. I hope. I hate hope.

When you have nowhere else to rant.

Here and twitter used to be my place of ranting.
I grew up a little and told myself not to write so openly.
Not everyone can take it.
Even if they have nothing to do with it.
But here's what happens when there's no one you can look for comfort from.

So here goes.

I couldn't help but look in the past.
The time before everything started.
I feel like everything's going too fast.
I need a minute.
I need a moment.
To catch my breath.
To shake myself and make me accept reality.

I am so long gone.
From the time when I know who I am.
Or maybe, then, I didn't care who I was.
I was miserable at times, yes. But now, I'm miserable almost all the time
It's so tiring.
So tiring.
To keep this facade up. To keep smiling. To pretend.

Have you ever felt that no matter what you want, you'll never get it ?
My life, what I've constantly been reminded of is that nothing lasts forever.
I've been repeatedly disappointed.
I've had my share of dead pets, lost favourite things, done regretful things, not being wise enough for my age.
I've had my share of friends who say they'll always be there for you.
But later, just disappear.
I've had my share of betrayed trusts.
My share of learning to love.
And then, learning to lose.
And learning to hate.

I have no idea what I am now. Who I am.
I am so torn.
I know what I want, but I feel like I can't have it.
I feel like someone would just turn up and take it away.

I feel like I don't deserve to be happy.

Wow.
I've written more than I should. I hope no one reads this.
I look silly, don't I ?
Maybe, better silly than lost.
Then again. Maybe I'm both.

I've tried.

I've tried.
Really.
To stop liking you.
To stop falling.
To slap some sense into myself.
So I'd forget you.
So you'll just be a person I knew.

I've tried to forget your smile.
Your words.
How happy you make me.
How your patience makes me fall harder.
No matter how ridiculous I get.
You tell me you love me.
I've tried to forget. To ignore.
To tell myself they're lies.
But they're not.
That's how sure I am of you.
That I know you're not lying.
That I know I fall anyway.
For whatever you say.

I've tried to walk away.
So many times.
It's not because of what you think always.
Please, no.
Don't blame yourself.
It's me.
I get so scared.
So scared that I've lost control.
That I can't let go now.
So scared.
Because I know.
It'll hurt too much to be without you.

It's a short time.
Really.
Compared to our lives.
It's a short time, how long we've been together.
But already,
I can't imagine going on without you.
Without that person who'll always try to cheer me up.
Even though he fails.
But not always.
You always make me feel better.
Just by being there.

I've tried.
To say goodbye.
I don't suck at saying them.
I suck at handling the aftermath.
They cut me to the core. Those words.
I don't want to say goodbye.
I pray for us.
I pray you'll be accepted.
Like the moment I accepted you.

I've tried to stop loving you.
I did.
But it's no use.
It'll take divine intervention.
But whoever we meet, is already a divine intervention.
I hope that we stay.
That we last.
That we're meant to be.

I've tried. To believe.
But in the end.
It all comes down to hope.
And to, waiting, and seeing.

Here's to the past.
To the future.
And here's to the now.
My now.
You.
2years6months. <3 br="">

Buried

She screams. But no one hears. Not a sound. Not a peek. No one hears her screams.
She drowns. She burns. She's lost, there's no return.
But no one saves her. Not in time, that is.
Because no one knew.
That this girl needs saving.
She was good at that.
Hiding.
Smiling.
Pretending.
Til the point she's just too broken.
But everybody couldn't figure it out. Why? How? When?
Why ?
Even she couldn't answer that.
How ?
No. There's too many answers to that.
When ?
There's no exact time.
But it feels as if.
She had always been broken.
A broken doll, all along.

She patches herself up.
She stitches her wounds.
But they are sore. They sting. They're the cause of her pain.
She grew up alone. Surrounded by people. But felt alone nonetheless.
Doesn't mean she wants to be alone.
These people.
Around her.
Can't they see her ? Can't they help her ? Save her.

She's too gone.
Too lost.
Too broken to be saved.

She buries her words.
Buries her pain.
Her dreams.
Her love.
Her heart.
She buried herself.

Broken Arrow - The Script

This time he's gonna wear an iron suit
This time she's gonna fix her heart and make it bullet proof
He says he's gonna take a bite from the forbidden fruit
She says never never bite more than you can chew
But this time he's not gonna be another could've been
This time she's gonna get real, love the skin she's in
She says a winner never quits, quitters never win
She said this time that she is built to face anything
This time he's gonna step for who he is
This time she's gonna live to work, she's not working to live
He says just because you say it's true, it don't mean it is
She says it seems too good to be true, well then it probably is
This time he's hell bent yeah he's heaven bound
This time she's gonna pick herself up no more breaking down
He says he's gonna turn the wheel, turn this sh*t around
She says if he's looking for love then she don't want to be found

When you shoot across the sky like a broken arrow
It's so hard to keep yourself on the straight and narrow
When you shoot across the sky like a broken arrow
It's all I've got
Yeah when you hit the ground
It's hard to get to heaven when your falling hell bound

This time he's gonna make it to the aftermath
This time she's gonna raise her head choose the righteous path
He said one day we will look back and it will make us laugh
She said better to have and not need, than to need and not have
No matter what the cause it's better to have loved and lost
Have you ever met a man who never loved at all?
Yeah the higher they are the bigger they fall
You have to choose something cuz you can't have it all
No, he's not gonna be the last to the finish line
She said even losers get lucky sometimes
He says it's gonna get better like a fine wine
She says it's harder to smell the roses when the sun don't shine
This time he's gonna find another way
This time she's gonna take you to the good ol'days with no ,.gracing
Only warm embraces with the two little sweet angels with dirty faces

When you shoot across the sky like a broken arrow
It's so hard to keep yourself on the straight and narrow
When you shoot across the sky like a broken arrow
It's all I've got
Yeah when you hit the ground
It's hard to get to heaven when your falling hell bound

Every break, every burn, every toss, every turn, every sin,
anything you've learned all programed
Every break, every burn, every toss, every turn, every sin,
everything we've learned all programed

When you shoot across the sky like a broken arrow
It's so hard to keep yourself on the straight and narrow
When you shoot across the sky like a broken arrow
It's all I've got
Yeah when you hit the ground
It's hard to get to heaven when your falling hell bound

You're my sweet.

Yes I realised that it's been a while. Cant really blame me you see. Cause there's the internet problem, and the lack of free time.. and the laziness... Okay fine. Blame me. It is mainly due to laziness.
What my life has been ?
A swirl and mix of unknown substances.
I felt like I've grown a lot.
And still feel so young and meek and scared of the unknown. The unknown being the world and what it holds for me.
I'm currently waiting for my Sem1 Year1 results.
You have no idea how nerve-racking it is.
I mean. Well. I just have a lot riding on this one.
Let's just say, it made me think so much. Of my future. Of what I'll be. Of who I'll be.
I've lost myself.
And I guess,
I want someone to help me, find me, save me.
I want you.
But I keep feeling like I have to let go.
Thing is.
I dont know if, when I let go, I'll manage to stay afloat.
Or drown.

I Freaking Take It All Back

Forget you and me.
I've always knew that in the end, there will only be me.

Something real, something sweet, something real sweet.

I was, a moment ago, reading some essays as prep for my MUET writing exam on Saturday..
As usual, I got bored, so I wanted to go on Twittah, and got real nice shock when the words on the screen were, "Twitter is currently down."
Hehe.
Hey TwittahManiacs, betcha keep hitting the refresh button ey ?


So I decided to see if my grammar was bad by, well, writing here. Also, by dedicating this post to 3 people who I miss terribly ; Farah . Zafira . Atun .


*it is my utmost regret to inform that they did not blackmail me or use force of any kind so I would write this post.


Okeyy, Farah and Zafira were my roommates last sem and Atun was a regular tenant in our room -__-
hehe.
They're loud, hillarious, crazy.. Eat a lot. HEHE
 And, they call me mummy. When, clearly, I'm the youngest XDD
*shoutout : "Yes my dears, korang tige2 tue !"


They were the ones who got me through tough times, guided me, cheered me up, made me go crazy, made me laugh til my stomach hurts, saw me cried, saw me roll on the floor, saw me at my worst, and weirdest.

It's true what people say, a person, cannot be truly, a good friend, if they had never lived with you.


I love them for how they accept I'm awkward and weird, *and nice :DD *buat muke cute
I love them for how they took the time to know me.
For how crazy they can be, and yet appear absolutely normal outside and how they always amuse me.
They've never failed to surprise me, to umm, add stuff to my knowledge -__-
And, the criticism, the insults, the cheeky remarks and comebacks. You wouldnt believe how much O.O

Dearests,
It is embarrassing to be writing such nice stuff about you three ! *Aargh malu gilee nak letak mane muke nanti >.<


And I'm almost positive that when you read this *hoping that the thought of checking my blog crosses your minds a year from now* You'll be laughing. So hard.
I miss your laughter so badly right now :(  *nak mengilai pun ngilai lah. Rindu dengar. hahaa

I hope that we'll meet soon. :)
Cannot wait to be studying together again.
I pray that we never grow further apart. That we'll still be sitting around commenting on each others' weight and looks and kids *errr ?* when we're like, 40 or something. Haha.



Kawan sampai Jannah.
InsyaAllah.
Sayang korang :)

All That I Am Left With

When I learned writing essays and stories last time, my tutors told me to always think of a title.
I resented that.
I have a horrid habit of always running out of topic.
But training me to do so, keeps me in control. Gives me a sense of boundaries I suppose.
I dont write stories and essays anymore.
I write meaningless stuff here though.
And being out of practice, I dont usually have a title ready.
Sometimes, you can see the title seem to not have any connection whatsoever to the content.
Well.
I'm weird like that. -_-
I've scrolled down and read my posts, realizing how silly some of them are.
Seriously.


Coz you see. I dont easily say what I feel. Out loud.
It's like, super hard.
But, I can write about them.
Encrypted with riddles and I always beat around the bush to get to the point, but I get there.
I just, cant say it. Say it to someone.
 So I write.

Anywhooo.
I've been feeling like a living dummy. Not that I know what a dummy feels like. Nor a living dummy.
In fact, dummies scare the hell out of me so lets drop this dummy thing.
I've been feeling useless.
Just wake up, send my sis to my teacher's house,
Sleep,
Be a potato couch,
Wait for my sis to come back,
Wait around for a text or bbm all day -__-
Online,
Just looking for some humans to interact with.
Yeah well, you get the idea. -___-

So i'm pretty psyched when i got my offer letter.
Alhamdulillah. :)
But yeah, just seeing, 'Bachelor of Laws' makes me so damn nervous.
I mean, I barely made it through my first sem of CFS. -__-
I'm like a walking time bomb studying this course.
So yeah, I have some serious doubts about really, really, setting this course of my life.


Hmm.
I suppose, it's perfectly natural to feel this way huh ?
I guess all I'm left with,
is to go with the flow.


I'm sure, He already has made the best plan for me.
InsyaAllah :)
Ya Allah, kepadaMu aku berserah. :)

Loss of Fight

I trusted you enough to believe I wont ever feel this pain from an invisible wound.
I was foolish.
I was a fool.
I'm still a fool.
Because still, I think of giving you another chance to break my already broken heart.

Barely holding on to you.

My first thing to say would be about my results.
It could be worst. But I'm fairly pleased with it.
It's good enough to get lazy ass into the main camp. Where I'm sure will make CFS life seem so, sweet.
All in all,
Alhamdulillah.


And then, I turned nineteen two days ago.
It's.. I dont know.
There were moments on that day that I forget it's my birthday.
Seeing as, well. We dont put on a big celebration much, my family.
I love them for remembering. Well, those who remembered.
And I want to exert my gratitude to those who actually took the trouble of wishing.
I'm pretty sure it was FB's work.
But hell, sometimes it's just good to get a smiley face on your freaking wall.
I'm nineteen.
And in my family,
presents have long been erased as a tradition.
I try, really.
To get something for my sisters.
But..
Well.
Like it was Irra's that day, and I still couldnt find her perfect gift.
I vow that I'll find something she likes this year. May it be a belated gift.


I couldnt spend my birthday with that someone who by just glancing at him, makes my whole face lit up.
Disappointed ? Perhaps. But it's better this way. :)
It's sad that communication is getting scarce now.
But if we're strong enough, well, that's enough.


A piece. Of well, self-reassuring quotes mostly. But you can apply it to your life if you like.


See, if it is meant to be, it's meant to be.
I could be on the other side of the earth, but if we belong, we might just find ourselves together in another part of earth. :)
I am currently trying to make myself accept these whole letting go and just believe, and trust thing.


Because for sure, we plan, throughout planning, we might hurt, we might cry, we might laugh with freaking joy,
but only He knows the best thing for us.


I'll tell you this though, it sucks. Really does. But stay on the right path. Something good waits in the end.


I'll get difficult.
I'm sorry.
It's an instinct, to run from pain.
Thing is, it's impossible to run and not hurt you as well. And not be hurt too.
But you told me all those optimistic stuff I just wrote up there.
And I promise you,
As long as I can,
I hold on to those.
Oh dont get me wrong, I know, there's always a plan, already written for us :)


Love,
19 years and 2 days old person trying to sound wise.

Holding Hands Will Fall

I honestly cannot believe, that this is my last week in CFS. - InsyaAllah.
Then it's 3 months of whoopeedoo, and,
DEGREE :OO


I still see myself as immature.
And I'm gonna run with the big boys now. Literally. O.O


Anywhooo,
I have 2 papers to go.
Intro to Legal System and Social Studies.
Im lost.
Really.
What's more,
I have a cold.
And if anyone who knows me,
Yeah,
A cold makes me crankier than ever. Yeah I'm cranky sometimes too.
Huh,
Calling self cranky makes me imagine myself as an old lady with a walking stick. *shivers*


Okeyy,
Well,
Pray for me ! :)


On Friday I'm off to AFamosa Resort with ma sugar daddy :*
But sadly.
Only me.
And sugar daddy.
What am i supposed to do with myself ?


Youre gonna hear a lot from me then.


Cheerios :)

I Suck At Goodbyes

Today, I woke up with a feeling of blissfulness.
I yawned, and stretched.
And checked my phone.
9am..
I don't have class, right ?
Imagined my timetable in my head.
Arab... Cancelled.
I think I have Legal System on Thursdays.. Yeap that's cancelled too. Ahhhh :D
Another stretch.
Something bugging my mind.
Something..
Somethingggg....
OH SHHH.
I have Social Studies ! At 10 ! Right ??
Texted a friend, she didnt answered.
BBMed another friend.
Waited..
Brushed my teeth, washed my face.
Checked,
He didnt aswer -_-
WhatsApp another friend,
Thinking Thank God for technology 'coz my creds like 20cents, and most of the girls use Celcom -_-
'Social Studies ade tak ?"
Waited..
Waited...
Buzzz
'Yeap.'
OH FFFFKIN' SSHHH !
Grabbed my towel and sprinted.

10.05, plus minus.
Reached blockE.
And found that many have not arrived. And Madam, nowhere in sight.
FUUHHHH -__-"

And as the class was coming to an end,
With a pang,
I realized that this was, our, last, law, class, in, CFS.
Awwww , that's a sad fact. :(

We took pictures.
And I looked around the classroom.
Funny.
I never had expected feeling this nostalgic.
Funny.
I never thought that this was actually really hard.
Funny.
I knew that goodbyes, are never really my forte.
I've always hated them.
I hate having to part.
With anyone.
I guess.. I just have a habit, of holding on to people, things, memories.
Even if I tried being detached.

So as much as this place has been, well, suckish,
I realized,
How much I grew up, in these few months here.
Technically,
It's not the place.
But still.
What else can I hold on to ?

So,
InsyaAllah.
This is my last days in CFS IIUM Petaling Jaya.
The big boys, await.
In September.

Ya Allah,
Give me the strength, and calm, to go through my Finals.
As scary as moving on is,
Turning back
Is scarier.

Goodbye. :)