Barely holding on to you.

My first thing to say would be about my results.
It could be worst. But I'm fairly pleased with it.
It's good enough to get lazy ass into the main camp. Where I'm sure will make CFS life seem so, sweet.
All in all,
Alhamdulillah.


And then, I turned nineteen two days ago.
It's.. I dont know.
There were moments on that day that I forget it's my birthday.
Seeing as, well. We dont put on a big celebration much, my family.
I love them for remembering. Well, those who remembered.
And I want to exert my gratitude to those who actually took the trouble of wishing.
I'm pretty sure it was FB's work.
But hell, sometimes it's just good to get a smiley face on your freaking wall.
I'm nineteen.
And in my family,
presents have long been erased as a tradition.
I try, really.
To get something for my sisters.
But..
Well.
Like it was Irra's that day, and I still couldnt find her perfect gift.
I vow that I'll find something she likes this year. May it be a belated gift.


I couldnt spend my birthday with that someone who by just glancing at him, makes my whole face lit up.
Disappointed ? Perhaps. But it's better this way. :)
It's sad that communication is getting scarce now.
But if we're strong enough, well, that's enough.


A piece. Of well, self-reassuring quotes mostly. But you can apply it to your life if you like.


See, if it is meant to be, it's meant to be.
I could be on the other side of the earth, but if we belong, we might just find ourselves together in another part of earth. :)
I am currently trying to make myself accept these whole letting go and just believe, and trust thing.


Because for sure, we plan, throughout planning, we might hurt, we might cry, we might laugh with freaking joy,
but only He knows the best thing for us.


I'll tell you this though, it sucks. Really does. But stay on the right path. Something good waits in the end.


I'll get difficult.
I'm sorry.
It's an instinct, to run from pain.
Thing is, it's impossible to run and not hurt you as well. And not be hurt too.
But you told me all those optimistic stuff I just wrote up there.
And I promise you,
As long as I can,
I hold on to those.
Oh dont get me wrong, I know, there's always a plan, already written for us :)


Love,
19 years and 2 days old person trying to sound wise.

Holding Hands Will Fall

I honestly cannot believe, that this is my last week in CFS. - InsyaAllah.
Then it's 3 months of whoopeedoo, and,
DEGREE :OO


I still see myself as immature.
And I'm gonna run with the big boys now. Literally. O.O


Anywhooo,
I have 2 papers to go.
Intro to Legal System and Social Studies.
Im lost.
Really.
What's more,
I have a cold.
And if anyone who knows me,
Yeah,
A cold makes me crankier than ever. Yeah I'm cranky sometimes too.
Huh,
Calling self cranky makes me imagine myself as an old lady with a walking stick. *shivers*


Okeyy,
Well,
Pray for me ! :)


On Friday I'm off to AFamosa Resort with ma sugar daddy :*
But sadly.
Only me.
And sugar daddy.
What am i supposed to do with myself ?


Youre gonna hear a lot from me then.


Cheerios :)

I Suck At Goodbyes

Today, I woke up with a feeling of blissfulness.
I yawned, and stretched.
And checked my phone.
9am..
I don't have class, right ?
Imagined my timetable in my head.
Arab... Cancelled.
I think I have Legal System on Thursdays.. Yeap that's cancelled too. Ahhhh :D
Another stretch.
Something bugging my mind.
Something..
Somethingggg....
OH SHHH.
I have Social Studies ! At 10 ! Right ??
Texted a friend, she didnt answered.
BBMed another friend.
Waited..
Brushed my teeth, washed my face.
Checked,
He didnt aswer -_-
WhatsApp another friend,
Thinking Thank God for technology 'coz my creds like 20cents, and most of the girls use Celcom -_-
'Social Studies ade tak ?"
Waited..
Waited...
Buzzz
'Yeap.'
OH FFFFKIN' SSHHH !
Grabbed my towel and sprinted.

10.05, plus minus.
Reached blockE.
And found that many have not arrived. And Madam, nowhere in sight.
FUUHHHH -__-"

And as the class was coming to an end,
With a pang,
I realized that this was, our, last, law, class, in, CFS.
Awwww , that's a sad fact. :(

We took pictures.
And I looked around the classroom.
Funny.
I never had expected feeling this nostalgic.
Funny.
I never thought that this was actually really hard.
Funny.
I knew that goodbyes, are never really my forte.
I've always hated them.
I hate having to part.
With anyone.
I guess.. I just have a habit, of holding on to people, things, memories.
Even if I tried being detached.

So as much as this place has been, well, suckish,
I realized,
How much I grew up, in these few months here.
Technically,
It's not the place.
But still.
What else can I hold on to ?

So,
InsyaAllah.
This is my last days in CFS IIUM Petaling Jaya.
The big boys, await.
In September.

Ya Allah,
Give me the strength, and calm, to go through my Finals.
As scary as moving on is,
Turning back
Is scarier.

Goodbye. :)

I Take Them Back.

I'm sorry I'm so darn difficult.
I'm sorry I gave you grief for even the little things.
I'm sorry I couldn't be strong enough for you.

If I could, I'd take them back. You know. The words my lips uttered at my moment of doubt. And fear.
I wish you could see me the way I see me. A girl. Insecure. Broken. Weak.
Your confidence in me is overwhelming, intimidating even.
And I wonder if I'll ever have that much of confidence in you.

I'm sorry I'm always waiting for the moment you say goodbye.
Thing is,
My past has paved in my mind,
That goodbye's the only thing I deserve.

I don't deserve you.
But I want you by my side.
It's a selfish thing to want you.
When I know that you deserve better.
But you know that I'm selfish, right ?
So please, let me want to have you in my life.
Please.
Don't say goodbye.

If You Can't Fight, Survive.

I'm bored.
And not really in the mood to study.
When i should be.
Seriously.

My aim now is to prove to her that i can do this. Even with the life i'm living.
I can do this, even when she says i won't be able to.
I can do this, with him supporting me.

But I feel like falling apart at the moment.
The fear, the uncertainty.

What if i'm not strong enough to fight ?
What if i don't have the strength to hold on ?

Sometimes, I say.
I can only rely on me, not anyone else as my backbone.
Because,
In truth, that's what my world is like.
I can only really, depend on myself.
And perhaps,
Not get hurt.
Not get frustrated.
Not disappoint myself.

But in the end.
I need others, them, you, to breathe.

So i take a deep breath now. And survive.

And You See Me Waiting For You On The Corner of The Street

Dear you,
I get scared when I think about the future.
Because what you want, I couldn't help but want it too
But at the same time, I cannot let go of my own plans.
I want you still in my future.
But I might lose my grip on you while walking down that pavement.
I might lose my strength to keep hoping for you.
I might push you away, because I might convince myself someday that that's the only way.
I might stop believing that you would ever wait for me.
Because, I'm not worth the wait.

Dear you,
How is it that you have so much confidence in the future ?
In me ?
When by day, I keep making sentences in my head on how to break this to you.
How to will you to see it from my view.
How to tell you, that you should stop, just stop making me fall for you so hard.
Stop making me get so used to having you be there for me.

Dear you,
I never planned on falling this hard for you.
But now, I catch glimpses of a future built with you.
But glimpses of a future I've worked for are just as clear.

Dear you,
Maybe it's time we step back into reality.
Maybe it's time for me to confront those voices in my head.
Maybe, it's time to let you go.

I Knew You When Our Common Goal Was Waiting For The World To End

Hii !
So yeah, I haven't been really active in updating my blog lately.
Mainly due to having no broadband - i do have one now, tapi sayang nak bazir kreds >.< - and wifi uia.. well, it's improving -_-
Also, been so busy. If I go online, mainly to tweet and vent my feelings.
There's nothing interesting in my life lately. Nothing too depressing. So why write ?
*Realizing I write a lot of depressing crap :DD

So anywaysssss,
I'm just done with my midsemexams ! It's been, fun and hell at the same time.
I hope I did well. I think my brain's like totally fried T.T  *anyone up for otak goreng ? ;p
For finals, I must not study like I did for midsem -__- I have to remind myself that. Haihhh.
Okey enough with crap bout crap.
I went to KLCC today, with an aim to meet Cheah and Madie.
And.. well.

I haven't seen you for so long, it's so weird seeing you. What's weirder, the last time we met, you meant a lot to me.
You were making me falling for you then.
Then.
The past.
A long time ago. But it's been what ? 2years ago ? Feels like ages ago.
God, I hope you don't read this. I really think nobody reads my blog anymore anyways. HAHA

I couldn't describe how awkward it was.
Emm.
Well, there was you. I saw you first.
My first thought, was how taller and bigger you got. hehe. And your hair -_-
And then, I hesitated.
What do I say ?
Say, Hi.
Okay, then ?
Your turn.
So I said Hi.
And.. Well, our conversations were small talk. Exams, friends, nothing big.
Funny.
I always imagined if we met, those big issues in between would burst.
But they cower, they hide, they pulled the bloody Invisibility Cloak right in front of our eyes.
Hoping we'll just ignore them. And so we did.
I rambled a lot. Didn't you notice ? I do that when I try to talk to make things get less awkward. But.. You just..well. Kept quiet. I got sad. I don't even know why.
And then,
The tiny voice in my head whispered.
This, is closure. This, is why it's time, we let those big issues just lose themselves in their hiding.
This,
Is me,
Knowing you're not worth the risk anything anymore.

I have my hero. And you're still chasing her shadow. And in doing that, you turn to me, making me guilty, sorry, and think of what could've been.

I have my hero. I had entrusted him with my heart.
And writing this down. I feel so guilty.
I've realized
That for you, I've hurt him so many times.
I think it's time you stop being the reason.

Dear you..
I'm sorry.
This, is me. Saying goodbye.