I drew a line for you.

Loved.
Most people would see this word and think of how lucky this person was.
She. Or he. Was loved.
But I. I see a past tense.
A person who once, loved. A simple act. But it was in the past. Does that mean, she does not love anymore?
I asked myself. Is it possible? To have loved, and then to never again feel it?
Maybe because the heart grew tired.
Or it got too broken to feel anything.
But what if.
It was because it was a one time thing, and that heart couldn't take that big of a feeling.
It couldn't handle loving another heart, so it just stopped.
And it couldn't find another space, another way, another attempt, at loving, again.
So,
That heart, thus then describe the person.
Loved.

Just, please don't say you love me, cause I might not say it back.

I'm not supposed to miss you.
I'm not supposed to feel like I'm walking around with half of me gone.
I'm not supposed to hope for a word from you.
And I'm not supposed to realize that my heart is still forever, with you.

The architect tendency in all of us.

We all have these scenarios we've made up in our heads. Conversations with some person that we had drawn like an architect. It never usually goes to plan. It rarely ever does.

I still wish.
You'd appear.
You'd say, "Are you done?"
Done with freaking out about things you can't control? With all your tantrums, the bad things you allow seep into your mind?
Are you done with running away? With trying to make yourself numb so you won't feel a thing? Are you done with being so scared of feeling more than you allow yourself to? With ripping your heart out?
Are you done trying to be alone? When you always need someone? Are you done acting strong? Though it's wearing you out?
Are you done hurting me? Like I've hurt you?

Are you done?
Will you just come back to me now?

A relapse

I miss you.
When I know I shouldn't.
It takes everything in me not to start, not to look for you.
I wish you'd say something. Just anything. Just one word.
But I also hope you won't.
Because that would bring us right back to where we started. Wouldn't it?
I used to believe I belong to you.
Then I found out, I can never, belong.
But I wish.
Oh how I wish.

To Goodbyes.

"I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket, but I've got to get a move on with my life."

There are still so many many things I want to say to you. So many unsaid words, apologies, thank yous..
I don't regret knowing you.
I could never.
My heart hurts when I say I hate you.
And I'm walking with half of me gone.
But it's better gone. I understand that.
Relationships don't work that way. You know, the you hurt me, I hurt you back.
It's destructive. We're destructive.
But it's taken me this long to finally step away.
But I haven't let go of you. I should. But I couldn't. I wish it's easy, but it's not. I'm trying.
I've made you let go, that's progress..
A part of me hopes for you. But I hate hope. And you know that. So that hope will fade.
Thank you, for being the first person who could stand my irrational moments, my attitude, my imperfections.
Thank you, for being the first person who taught me how to love, how to trust.
But I'm sorry. I can't love. I can't trust. The fears are always stronger.
I'm sorry that I let you in.
I'm sorry that I let you think that you could save me.
I'm sorry for all the harsh words.
I wish you knew. When I broke your heart, I broke mine too.
I hope you know.
I really did love you. I don't deserve to. But I did.
I wish you the best. I know I'll hate it, being selfish, when I see you finally happy, but you deserve it.

Goodbye too, my everything.

All Over Again.

Ive said it so many times.
Too many times to count.
Too many.
Too hurt. Too lost. Too angry.

I was about to patch myself. About to be fixed.
But then you went and betrayed me.
Don't lie to a girl.
She knows when there's something you hide.

And this time.
This time.
I chased you away.
And I was the one who ended up crushed on the floor. Barely breathing.
Barely living.
Barely existing.

And this time.
I regretted the first Hello. The first conversation. The first Iloveyou.
This time.
I hate you.
I hate you?

This time.
I could barely keep myself together.
How difficult it was to act okay.
How to face the world?
But I know I can. I know.
I'm prepared for that.
It's when I'm left alone.
That's my fear.

This time. I don't want you back. I think. I hope. I hate hope.

When you have nowhere else to rant.

Here and twitter used to be my place of ranting.
I grew up a little and told myself not to write so openly.
Not everyone can take it.
Even if they have nothing to do with it.
But here's what happens when there's no one you can look for comfort from.

So here goes.

I couldn't help but look in the past.
The time before everything started.
I feel like everything's going too fast.
I need a minute.
I need a moment.
To catch my breath.
To shake myself and make me accept reality.

I am so long gone.
From the time when I know who I am.
Or maybe, then, I didn't care who I was.
I was miserable at times, yes. But now, I'm miserable almost all the time
It's so tiring.
So tiring.
To keep this facade up. To keep smiling. To pretend.

Have you ever felt that no matter what you want, you'll never get it ?
My life, what I've constantly been reminded of is that nothing lasts forever.
I've been repeatedly disappointed.
I've had my share of dead pets, lost favourite things, done regretful things, not being wise enough for my age.
I've had my share of friends who say they'll always be there for you.
But later, just disappear.
I've had my share of betrayed trusts.
My share of learning to love.
And then, learning to lose.
And learning to hate.

I have no idea what I am now. Who I am.
I am so torn.
I know what I want, but I feel like I can't have it.
I feel like someone would just turn up and take it away.

I feel like I don't deserve to be happy.

Wow.
I've written more than I should. I hope no one reads this.
I look silly, don't I ?
Maybe, better silly than lost.
Then again. Maybe I'm both.