I'm sorry I'm so darn difficult.
I'm sorry I gave you grief for even the little things.
I'm sorry I couldn't be strong enough for you.
If I could, I'd take them back. You know. The words my lips uttered at my moment of doubt. And fear.
I wish you could see me the way I see me. A girl. Insecure. Broken. Weak.
Your confidence in me is overwhelming, intimidating even.
And I wonder if I'll ever have that much of confidence in you.
I'm sorry I'm always waiting for the moment you say goodbye.
Thing is,
My past has paved in my mind,
That goodbye's the only thing I deserve.
I don't deserve you.
But I want you by my side.
It's a selfish thing to want you.
When I know that you deserve better.
But you know that I'm selfish, right ?
So please, let me want to have you in my life.
Please.
Don't say goodbye.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
If You Can't Fight, Survive.
I'm bored.
And not really in the mood to study.
When i should be.
Seriously.
My aim now is to prove to her that i can do this. Even with the life i'm living.
I can do this, even when she says i won't be able to.
I can do this, with him supporting me.
But I feel like falling apart at the moment.
The fear, the uncertainty.
What if i'm not strong enough to fight ?
What if i don't have the strength to hold on ?
Sometimes, I say.
I can only rely on me, not anyone else as my backbone.
Because,
In truth, that's what my world is like.
I can only really, depend on myself.
And perhaps,
Not get hurt.
Not get frustrated.
Not disappoint myself.
But in the end.
I need others, them, you, to breathe.
So i take a deep breath now. And survive.
And not really in the mood to study.
When i should be.
Seriously.
My aim now is to prove to her that i can do this. Even with the life i'm living.
I can do this, even when she says i won't be able to.
I can do this, with him supporting me.
But I feel like falling apart at the moment.
The fear, the uncertainty.
What if i'm not strong enough to fight ?
What if i don't have the strength to hold on ?
Sometimes, I say.
I can only rely on me, not anyone else as my backbone.
Because,
In truth, that's what my world is like.
I can only really, depend on myself.
And perhaps,
Not get hurt.
Not get frustrated.
Not disappoint myself.
But in the end.
I need others, them, you, to breathe.
So i take a deep breath now. And survive.
Monday, April 2, 2012
And You See Me Waiting For You On The Corner of The Street
Dear you,
I get scared when I think about the future.
Because what you want, I couldn't help but want it too
But at the same time, I cannot let go of my own plans.
I want you still in my future.
But I might lose my grip on you while walking down that pavement.
I might lose my strength to keep hoping for you.
I might push you away, because I might convince myself someday that that's the only way.
I might stop believing that you would ever wait for me.
Because, I'm not worth the wait.
Dear you,
How is it that you have so much confidence in the future ?
In me ?
When by day, I keep making sentences in my head on how to break this to you.
How to will you to see it from my view.
How to tell you, that you should stop, just stop making me fall for you so hard.
Stop making me get so used to having you be there for me.
Dear you,
I never planned on falling this hard for you.
But now, I catch glimpses of a future built with you.
But glimpses of a future I've worked for are just as clear.
Dear you,
Maybe it's time we step back into reality.
Maybe it's time for me to confront those voices in my head.
Maybe, it's time to let you go.
I get scared when I think about the future.
Because what you want, I couldn't help but want it too
But at the same time, I cannot let go of my own plans.
I want you still in my future.
But I might lose my grip on you while walking down that pavement.
I might lose my strength to keep hoping for you.
I might push you away, because I might convince myself someday that that's the only way.
I might stop believing that you would ever wait for me.
Because, I'm not worth the wait.
Dear you,
How is it that you have so much confidence in the future ?
In me ?
When by day, I keep making sentences in my head on how to break this to you.
How to will you to see it from my view.
How to tell you, that you should stop, just stop making me fall for you so hard.
Stop making me get so used to having you be there for me.
Dear you,
I never planned on falling this hard for you.
But now, I catch glimpses of a future built with you.
But glimpses of a future I've worked for are just as clear.
Dear you,
Maybe it's time we step back into reality.
Maybe it's time for me to confront those voices in my head.
Maybe, it's time to let you go.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
I Knew You When Our Common Goal Was Waiting For The World To End
Hii !
So yeah, I haven't been really active in updating my blog lately.
Mainly due to having no broadband - i do have one now, tapi sayang nak bazir kreds >.< - and wifi uia.. well, it's improving -_-
Also, been so busy. If I go online, mainly to tweet and vent my feelings.
There's nothing interesting in my life lately. Nothing too depressing. So why write ?
*Realizing I write a lot of depressing crap :DD
So anywaysssss,
I'm just done with my midsemexams ! It's been, fun and hell at the same time.
I hope I did well. I think my brain's like totally fried T.T *anyone up for otak goreng ? ;p
For finals, I must not study like I did for midsem -__- I have to remind myself that. Haihhh.
Okey enough with crap bout crap.
I went to KLCC today, with an aim to meet Cheah and Madie.
And.. well.
I haven't seen you for so long, it's so weird seeing you. What's weirder, the last time we met, you meant a lot to me.
You were making me falling for you then.
Then.
The past.
A long time ago. But it's been what ? 2years ago ? Feels like ages ago.
God, I hope you don't read this. I really think nobody reads my blog anymore anyways. HAHA
I couldn't describe how awkward it was.
Emm.
Well, there was you. I saw you first.
My first thought, was how taller and bigger you got. hehe. And your hair -_-
And then, I hesitated.
What do I say ?
Say, Hi.
Okay, then ?
Your turn.
So I said Hi.
And.. Well, our conversations were small talk. Exams, friends, nothing big.
Funny.
I always imagined if we met, those big issues in between would burst.
But they cower, they hide, they pulled the bloody Invisibility Cloak right in front of our eyes.
Hoping we'll just ignore them. And so we did.
I rambled a lot. Didn't you notice ? I do that when I try to talk to make things get less awkward. But.. You just..well. Kept quiet. I got sad. I don't even know why.
And then,
The tiny voice in my head whispered.
This, is closure. This, is why it's time, we let those big issues just lose themselves in their hiding.
This,
Is me,
Knowing you're not worth the risk anything anymore.
I have my hero. And you're still chasing her shadow. And in doing that, you turn to me, making me guilty, sorry, and think of what could've been.
I have my hero. I had entrusted him with my heart.
And writing this down. I feel so guilty.
I've realized
That for you, I've hurt him so many times.
I think it's time you stop being the reason.
Dear you..
I'm sorry.
This, is me. Saying goodbye.
So yeah, I haven't been really active in updating my blog lately.
Mainly due to having no broadband - i do have one now, tapi sayang nak bazir kreds >.< - and wifi uia.. well, it's improving -_-
Also, been so busy. If I go online, mainly to tweet and vent my feelings.
There's nothing interesting in my life lately. Nothing too depressing. So why write ?
*Realizing I write a lot of depressing crap :DD
So anywaysssss,
I'm just done with my midsemexams ! It's been, fun and hell at the same time.
I hope I did well. I think my brain's like totally fried T.T *anyone up for otak goreng ? ;p
For finals, I must not study like I did for midsem -__- I have to remind myself that. Haihhh.
Okey enough with crap bout crap.
I went to KLCC today, with an aim to meet Cheah and Madie.
And.. well.
I haven't seen you for so long, it's so weird seeing you. What's weirder, the last time we met, you meant a lot to me.
You were making me falling for you then.
Then.
The past.
A long time ago. But it's been what ? 2years ago ? Feels like ages ago.
God, I hope you don't read this. I really think nobody reads my blog anymore anyways. HAHA
I couldn't describe how awkward it was.
Emm.
Well, there was you. I saw you first.
My first thought, was how taller and bigger you got. hehe. And your hair -_-
And then, I hesitated.
What do I say ?
Say, Hi.
Okay, then ?
Your turn.
So I said Hi.
And.. Well, our conversations were small talk. Exams, friends, nothing big.
Funny.
I always imagined if we met, those big issues in between would burst.
But they cower, they hide, they pulled the bloody Invisibility Cloak right in front of our eyes.
Hoping we'll just ignore them. And so we did.
I rambled a lot. Didn't you notice ? I do that when I try to talk to make things get less awkward. But.. You just..well. Kept quiet. I got sad. I don't even know why.
And then,
The tiny voice in my head whispered.
This, is closure. This, is why it's time, we let those big issues just lose themselves in their hiding.
This,
Is me,
Knowing you're not worth the risk anything anymore.
I have my hero. And you're still chasing her shadow. And in doing that, you turn to me, making me guilty, sorry, and think of what could've been.
I have my hero. I had entrusted him with my heart.
And writing this down. I feel so guilty.
I've realized
That for you, I've hurt him so many times.
I think it's time you stop being the reason.
Dear you..
I'm sorry.
This, is me. Saying goodbye.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
My tears run down like razor blades
It's a holidayy.
Everybody's psyched to be home.
Not me.
I'd rather be in UIA, not exactly cooped up, able to go anywhere but stay in a room all day.
And of course :)
It's okay. Til next time :(
Ive been telling myself that since a couple days ago. So disappointed.
Next time is still so long to come. Aint it ?
Everybody's psyched to be home.
Not me.
I'd rather be in UIA, not exactly cooped up, able to go anywhere but stay in a room all day.
And of course :)
It's okay. Til next time :(
Ive been telling myself that since a couple days ago. So disappointed.
Next time is still so long to come. Aint it ?
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Being Determined
Hello again 109C :)
yeapppp, im now in uia. hue3
now those 3months feel so short. haha.
im happy and sad i guess. happy to be with friends again, so i wont feel so utterly alone at times.
sad because..
well it's just proof of just how fast time flies.
in about another 3months, i'll be done with foundation, insyaAllah :)
I've arrived here with a new kind of state of mind.
I'm determined, yes, but also at the same time, in kind of an acceptance.
I suppose, I'm growing up ? :)
Starting my Sem 3 life (though it's the second sem for me actually ) with,
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
:)
yeapppp, im now in uia. hue3
now those 3months feel so short. haha.
im happy and sad i guess. happy to be with friends again, so i wont feel so utterly alone at times.
sad because..
well it's just proof of just how fast time flies.
in about another 3months, i'll be done with foundation, insyaAllah :)
I've arrived here with a new kind of state of mind.
I'm determined, yes, but also at the same time, in kind of an acceptance.
I suppose, I'm growing up ? :)
Starting my Sem 3 life (though it's the second sem for me actually ) with,
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
:)
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Before You Hit The Number Twos
Before the first day of this year comes to an end, how bout a lil something to pave on memory lane ?
It's a usual thing, you start to remember about 2011. Funny, how now, you only remember the times that you will treasure, the ones that make you smile, eventhough you had those moments, those sad, dark moments.
It's the end of the year, and all you remember is the good stuff.
Humans, we are prone to find the good in something. It's our nature :)
I'm gonna turn 19 this year. It's amazing and weird. Because I remember when I was thinking, OMG I'm turning 16 this year !
Time flies doesnt it ?
When I was in a moment, thinking ahead, I was like, damnn, that's still soo long ahead. But already, I'm a year closer.
Am I ready ?
Ready for this year, 2012 ?
Ready for the nearing future ?
For whatever that will come hurtling at me this time ?
I can never be ready enough.
I'm ready as I'll ever be.
So for all those, to pass by mangled, but surviving, I have my faith, and strength.
InsyaAllah.
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Remember to always start your day with this. Not just to start a year :)
It's a usual thing, you start to remember about 2011. Funny, how now, you only remember the times that you will treasure, the ones that make you smile, eventhough you had those moments, those sad, dark moments.
It's the end of the year, and all you remember is the good stuff.
Humans, we are prone to find the good in something. It's our nature :)
I'm gonna turn 19 this year. It's amazing and weird. Because I remember when I was thinking, OMG I'm turning 16 this year !
Time flies doesnt it ?
When I was in a moment, thinking ahead, I was like, damnn, that's still soo long ahead. But already, I'm a year closer.
Am I ready ?
Ready for this year, 2012 ?
Ready for the nearing future ?
For whatever that will come hurtling at me this time ?
I can never be ready enough.
I'm ready as I'll ever be.
So for all those, to pass by mangled, but surviving, I have my faith, and strength.
InsyaAllah.
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Remember to always start your day with this. Not just to start a year :)
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