She who dares to stand where I stood.

"Where I Stood"

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Honestly

Maybe we're that Robin and Barney relationship.
To be in love with each other.
To feel like we belong.
But at the end of the day.
We just don't work.
It was no one's fault.
Neither loved more or less. Neither stopped loving, but it just, ended.
Sometimes, you just fall in love. And the other person loved you back.
And it wasn't meant to be.
And,
Well. I have to accept that.

I drew a line for you.

Loved.
Most people would see this word and think of how lucky this person was.
She. Or he. Was loved.
But I. I see a past tense.
A person who once, loved. A simple act. But it was in the past. Does that mean, she does not love anymore?
I asked myself. Is it possible? To have loved, and then to never again feel it?
Maybe because the heart grew tired.
Or it got too broken to feel anything.
But what if.
It was because it was a one time thing, and that heart couldn't take that big of a feeling.
It couldn't handle loving another heart, so it just stopped.
And it couldn't find another space, another way, another attempt, at loving, again.
So,
That heart, thus then describe the person.
Loved.

Just, please don't say you love me, cause I might not say it back.

I'm not supposed to miss you.
I'm not supposed to feel like I'm walking around with half of me gone.
I'm not supposed to hope for a word from you.
And I'm not supposed to realize that my heart is still forever, with you.

The architect tendency in all of us.

We all have these scenarios we've made up in our heads. Conversations with some person that we had drawn like an architect. It never usually goes to plan. It rarely ever does.

I still wish.
You'd appear.
You'd say, "Are you done?"
Done with freaking out about things you can't control? With all your tantrums, the bad things you allow seep into your mind?
Are you done with running away? With trying to make yourself numb so you won't feel a thing? Are you done with being so scared of feeling more than you allow yourself to? With ripping your heart out?
Are you done trying to be alone? When you always need someone? Are you done acting strong? Though it's wearing you out?
Are you done hurting me? Like I've hurt you?

Are you done?
Will you just come back to me now?

A relapse

I miss you.
When I know I shouldn't.
It takes everything in me not to start, not to look for you.
I wish you'd say something. Just anything. Just one word.
But I also hope you won't.
Because that would bring us right back to where we started. Wouldn't it?
I used to believe I belong to you.
Then I found out, I can never, belong.
But I wish.
Oh how I wish.

To Goodbyes.

"I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket, but I've got to get a move on with my life."

There are still so many many things I want to say to you. So many unsaid words, apologies, thank yous..
I don't regret knowing you.
I could never.
My heart hurts when I say I hate you.
And I'm walking with half of me gone.
But it's better gone. I understand that.
Relationships don't work that way. You know, the you hurt me, I hurt you back.
It's destructive. We're destructive.
But it's taken me this long to finally step away.
But I haven't let go of you. I should. But I couldn't. I wish it's easy, but it's not. I'm trying.
I've made you let go, that's progress..
A part of me hopes for you. But I hate hope. And you know that. So that hope will fade.
Thank you, for being the first person who could stand my irrational moments, my attitude, my imperfections.
Thank you, for being the first person who taught me how to love, how to trust.
But I'm sorry. I can't love. I can't trust. The fears are always stronger.
I'm sorry that I let you in.
I'm sorry that I let you think that you could save me.
I'm sorry for all the harsh words.
I wish you knew. When I broke your heart, I broke mine too.
I hope you know.
I really did love you. I don't deserve to. But I did.
I wish you the best. I know I'll hate it, being selfish, when I see you finally happy, but you deserve it.

Goodbye too, my everything.